I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
