At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
