i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
