i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize