I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize