My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
