I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
