Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
