theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
