Your favorite bartender is back from prision
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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