My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
