just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
