Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
