how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i will never coherently bang her
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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