I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
