I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
