I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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