I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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