ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
