At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
