Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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