ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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