Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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