so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize