my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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