i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
