I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
