I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My penis needs a shock collar
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
