One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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