Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
