Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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