it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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