You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
