I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
