I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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