why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
