I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
