you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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