i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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