i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
