textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
