I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
