My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
