Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
