this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dick very happy bro
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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