theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
