Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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