Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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