come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
