well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
