If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
