I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
