Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
