i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
