so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
