You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
